Category: Male Bias

It’s Well Past Time to reform VAWA

Senator Joni Ernst; (https://www.ernst.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/email-joni)

I am writing you in regard to VAWA as I understand you are tasked with writing the 2021 senate version. First, the Violence Against WOMEN Act by name is discriminatory to men and boys, both gay and straight, who suffer domestic violence and it should be changed to reflect that is directed towards combatting domestic violence within families. Even though legal decisions stated that men and boy victims could not be excluded by name of the act and in practice they are to this day.

“Joke” Meme circulating on social media, ironically highlighting the plight of male victims of domestic violence.

I refer you to Respecting Accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting and their recommendations, (at http://www.mediaradar.org/docs/RADARdocument-Agenda-for-VAWA-Reform.pdf) to correct some of the problems in VAWA. Unbiased DV Research can also be found at https://domesticviolenceresearch.org. I would also suggest Phillip W. Cook’s book “Abused Men: the Hidden Side of Domestic Violence” which should be part of the library of anyone writing DV legislation.

Stop the lies and bigotry Meme

NAGR and other gun rights groups, to which I am a life member, complain that the “Red Flag” laws, long a problem in the family rights arena, are being pushed with 135 “Republican’s” voting for these laws applied to our military personnel. False allegations of abuse, combined with the mistaken belief that all DV is male perpetrators and female victims, have long been used to gain leverage in divorce and child custody proceedings. Additionally, those who bear false witness are rarely, if ever, held accountable for their lies. My horror story of false allegations when I was a NYS Environmental Conservation Police Officer (now retired) can be found at https://nymensactionnetwork.org/2021/04/lets-red-flag-unconstitutional-red-flag-laws/. I wrote about the unconstitutional nature of red flag laws here. What was designed as a shield for victims has been turned into a sword for those that would abuse the system and turn the system into an abuser on their behalf.

As A Republican I can only wonder why those in our party continue to authorize these vast funds which are funneled primarily to left wing groups pushing the anti family socialist agenda. Worse, the programs, when audited, are generally found to be fraught with fraud and misuse of funds. Some of these cases are outlined at https://www.saveservices.org/2021/03/vawa-long-standing-and-widespread-waste-fraud-and-abuse. As a co-founder and past President of the Coalition of Fathers and Families NY Inc. (I hold a Bachelors Degree in Family and Society from SUNY ESC) in the early 2000’s when I was researching this issue one DV services organization advised me how they “counted each client 4 times” by sending them to various “services” such as counseling or legal advice, and counted them even if they said they didn’t need the service. The Washington Times in 2019 reported on the fraud that is occurring in one part of VAWA, immigration citizenship, and that is not alone. In 2011 Sen. Grassley stated, “the problem with VAWA grantees’ administration and record keeping may actually be getting worse.” What was designed as a shield for victims has been turned into a biased political boondoggle, and it continues to this day.

I attended training and was certified by NYS as a police instructor for domestic violence. I can tell you first hand that the training was biased against men and was based on the debunked Duluth Model which has it that all Domestic Violence is perpetrated by men. Primary aggressor was defined as someone who was “larger” and “intimidating” and was nothing less than double speak for “arrest the man”. I found the training to be nothing less than indoctrination which was contrary to police training and tactics conducted in concert with constitutional protections ( I was a certified police special topics instructor on multiple topics). When called on to instruct I refused to do so as the course materials and lesson plan could “not be changed” in any fashion whatsoever. “This Way to the Revolution: A Memoir” by Erin Prizzey, who opened a shelter in England in 1971 explains how the system has been usurped by radical feminists.

While it certainly provides some services for victims of DV we have to ask ourselves at what cost to civil rights and at what cost to American taxpayers. It is well past time for a name change. It is well past time to remove sexual biases against male victims. It is well past time for the program to ensure that it is not undermining the U.S. Constitution and the rights of all individuals guaranteed therein.

James H. Hays, Lt. (Ret) NYS En-Con Police

CC: National Association for Gun Rights provided the following contact emails which were accepted – pat_souders@durbin.senate.gov, john_dowd@leahy.senate.gov, lindsey_kerr@klobuchar.senate.gov, reynaldo_benitez@ossoff.senate.gov, aaron_cummings@grassley.senate.gov, richard_perry@lgraham.senate.gov, “Beth_Jafari@cornyn.senate.gov” Beth_Jafari@Cornyn.senate.gov, steve_chartan@cruz.senate.gov, kyle_plotkin@hawley.senate.gov, doug_coutts@cotton.senate.gov, ted_lehman@tillis.senate.gov, kaleb_froehlich@murkowski.senate.gov

Men want empathy – not sympathy

In an Op-Ed in the Epoch Times (https://www.theepochtimes.com/who-cares-about-male-suffering_3891890.html).  Janice Fiamingo opens with the fact that July 11 is Gender Empathy Gap Day designed to bring awareness to societal indifference to the suffering of men and boys.  She goes on to provide multiple examples which I encourage you to find in the article itself.  What I found troubling as a MRA/FRA were the comments to “man up” opposite those that stated they had “sympathy” for men and boys.  

I post a link to the difference between the empathy called for and the sympathy offered here, https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/sympathy-empathy-difference. As Ms Fiamingo point out, what we are looking for is EMPATHY, a simple recognition that men and boys who suffer are treated poorly by both men and women.  You don’t have to have been victimized yourself and “feel my pain” and sympathize.  You simply need to recognize the disparate treatment that men suffer and recognize it as wrong.  As she plainly states this isn’t a victimhood contest between men and women, “it does seek to prompt recognition of our collective inability or unwillingness to recognize the humanity of men”.  

The man up and don’t be a soy boy crowd is dismissing the issue out of hand without even looking to see if there is merit to the complaint.  Of course attacking the “soy boys” allows them to avoid having to speak to the multitude of facts presented in the piece.  Ironically this argument supports Ms. Fiamingo’s position that the societal indifference to the suffering of men exists.  Having sympathy also can ignore the problem for feeling my pain and sharing my feelings does not necessarily translate into working to correct the problem which caused my pain.  

Being a career law enforcement officer, I have never committed a crime with a female accomplice (it’s frowned on in my profession) and I don’t have sympathy for a criminal sent to prison as I’ve never been one.  But if he was sent to prison and she given probation for doing the same crime I do have empathy for his disparate treatment which is obviously bias for being male.  And in my 30 year career I was witness to and can attest to preferential treatment given to women by law enforcement officers, prosecutors, and judges for both minor and major offenses.

In the olden days (1990’s) we used to have fathers rights meetings face to face.  The “man up” crowd referred to them as “pity parties” and did not attend, dismissing the plight of others.  The sympathy crowd would attend the meetings for the emotional support but wouldn’t get politically active to work to change the system.  Regardless of their level of victimization by the system, it was those who had empathy for others who would fight for change.  Parents, siblings, and second spouses were often the most vocal for change driven by their empathy for another.

Within the Men’s Rights, Fathers Rights, Parental Rights movements we see the same lack of empathy.  Home schoolers and conservative Christians pushed the Parental Rights and Responsibilities Act but specifically excluded “non custodial” parents from the act.  When I co-founded the Coalition of Fathers and Families NY, Inc. (FaFNY) I was told, by males and females, that I should change the name as it wasn’t “inclusive”even though the mission statement supported equal rights for both parents and both parents rights free from government interference.  Bias towards fathers and fathers rights is what allows them to be removed as a parent and their parental rights.

And we have our share of “man ups” in the FRA/MRA movement.  After 3 years of litigation I was arrested, suspended from work, dead broke, with $20 in my pocket and the clothes on my back with a borrowed car and place to sleep.  With an OOP over my head based on false allegation and violation of that being a felony I tried to get my access exchange at a neutral location and was denied.  Faced with certain felony arrest should I try to get my kids at her residence I stopped picking them up and she refused to deliver them.  At the next meeting I was told to “fight harder”. “Don’t give up”, in effect to man up and sacrifice myself.  You can see those types of comments all over MRA/FRA social media pages.  As if manning up and fighting harder with self sacrifice in a system designed to drain you financially and emotionally will somehow result in a different outcome.

I co-founded the NY Men’s Action Network (originally a PAC) and was a principal lobbyist in Albany for 10 years advocating for parental rights and court reform.  There are many politicians who knew how bad the system was and didn’t care to reform it.  But the bulk of them were uninformed and my factual stories were dismissed with an “it couldn’t be that bad”, certainly my being male and the lack of empathy for men played a part in limiting reform as the vast majority of negative outcomes in (anti) family court and the system occur to men.

In my 25 years of work with FaFNY I have well over 1000 contact hours with individuals and groups in peer support and counseling.  The vast majority of persons I counseled wanted empathy; to be listened to, for their story to be believed, and for recognition that they received a raw deal.  While they were the victim of the system by having their individual and parental rights destroyed they were not victims themselves looking for others to correct their problems, they were looking to get others to stop causing their problems.  This is much different than the “victim” who blames life’s problems on their race, sex, or life circumstance and looks to others to give them something for free to fix it.

Lack of empathy for men and boys has us ignoring the problems of men and boys. The first act to correct a problem is to recognize what the problem is. A lack of empathy and dismissing the problems prevents us from that first act.  And in the multitude of problems facing men and boys; suicide, crime victims, disparate incarceration, denial of parental rights, and on and on there is one underlying facet of each of these problems, a lack of empathy for men and boys.

I disagree with Ms. Fiamingo one one thing, I think every day should be a day of empathy for boys and men.  I encourage you to read the article and use it to hone your debate skills in support of men and boys.   And if you are looking for more information on boys and men you can go to the Global Initiative for Boys and Men https://www.gibm.us/home, or the National Coalition For Men https://ncfm.org.  

James Hays, Lt. (Ret) NYS En-Con Police, past President FaFNY, past Director NY MAN.