When I took over as principle lobbyist for FaFNY in the 1990’s (in addition to co-founding, being president of, and running the legislative committee and Director of NYMAN PAC) I scheduled face to face meetings with policy advisors in the Governors Office, the Chief Administrative Judge for the NYS Courts Matrimonial Part (which includes family court). the Commissioner of NYS Child Support, and the NYS Bar Association. I would make an agenda of 10 items of complaint that I had culled from the many complaints of members of this and other organizations. The question I dreaded most from the person I was meeting with was, “Do you know how many formal complaints I have on file with us”? Because I knew what the answer would be; zero, nada, NONE.
In the days before the internet meetings were held monthly, face to face, at a public meeting hall. We started calling them “pity parties” for they consisted of persons complaining of the injustices and looking for help in their individual case. While the venting of the emotional impact of the system was an important part of the meetings there was no drive to work to change the system. Even when we started doing targeted letter writings we would get push back with people stating it was no use and it was a waste of time. Most were unconcerned with change other than their own individual case.
As an organizational leader I would also get rank and file advice on what I should be doing. Worse, many would try to lecture me on being ineffective as I didn’t (insert complaint here) bring out awareness, put hundred of people in the street protesting, made us look bad by fighting against child support injustices, didn’t get enough press, fought for fathers only showing gender bias, didn’t provide free resources, yada, Yada, YADA.
When this Wuhan Virus crisis hit I wrote a letter to the federal office of child support enforcement, the state child support enforcement office, and the NYS Courts. I posted it on NYMAN and on multiple Facebook pages. I HAVE SEEN ZERO POSTINGS OF LETTERS TO ANY GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL REGARDING PROBLEMS IN THIS SYSTEM from any other state or by another organization in NYS. Over a week I get less than 10 hits a day on this post on NYMAN and I have seen ZERO posts regarding someone who forwarded it as a link to it to a government official. The question I have for you is WHY? Is the system working for you or are you so busy sheltering in place at home and out of work that you can’t send an email or a letter outlining your complaints?
Is the family rights/fathers rights/men’s rights movement a wheel so broken it doesn’t even squeak anymore? Will a wheel that doesn’t squeak get any grease? I have seen one article discussing the family court backlog and Covid-19, and I posted a link to that article on multiple facebook pages requesting people go to that site and comment there to bring awareness of the complaints to the public eye. My comment (and an advertising comment) stands alone. WHY?
For those of you who are just entering this system of injustice I’m sure it is scary to hear that it used to be far worse. From the 1990’s to the present there have been a scant few dedicated people, with limited resources, who work day in and day out to foster change. It has been occurring slowly over time. And it will continue to change IF people continue to do something to foster change. The answer to who should do it is YOU and the answer to what to do is ANYTHING which puts it on the public record. Many hands lighten the load.
If you look for personal help and then fail to foster change then you are part of the problem. If you fail to file formal complaints regarding the injustices you have suffered, then you are part of the problem. When an organization asks you to provide assistance (a letter or an email for them to use) and you don’t, then you are part of the problem. If you fail to comment on the original content from news sites, then you are part of the problem. And if you have an idea that an organization should do and you don’t volunteer to do it, then you are part of the problem. If you are whining at a pity party without proposing a solution to the problem, then YOU are the problem.
So what do you plan to do and when do you plan to do it?
The time to do something is now, the person to do it is you.
You can be a part of the solution, just make it happen.
James Hays, Lt. NYS En-Con Police (Ret) was a 25 year family rights advocate (Ret). He co-founded the Coalition of Fathers and Families NY, Inc. (FaFNY) and served as President, Treasurer, and Legislative Committee Chair. He co-founded and was Treasurer of the NY Men’s Action Network (NYMAN) PAC and was a lobbyist for Family Rights from 1996 to 2006. He holds a Bachelors Degree in Family and Society from SUNY. He continues to contribute to the NY Men’s Action Network blog in his retirement.