It was the early spring of 2001 and I had received an email from “Bob”, a NYC Fireman (I never got his real name). He was looking for advice with his matrimonial issue and although we had others doing intakes for our non profit, Fathers and Families NY (FaFNY), I would handle police, fire, and military as I was certified in Critical Incident Stress Management, a police officer, former US Army, and an army brat to boot and can relate to those groups. We exchanged 3 or 4 emails concerning his case over several months.
As Bob tells it: Bob returned home from work one day to his small 2 bedroom apartment in NYC and noted a strange pair of men’s shoes under his bed. His “what are these?” inquiry had his wife respond they belong to her boyfriend and he stops there days when Bob’s at work. Hit with the relational violence of infidelity, made worse by the violation of his privacy, and subjecting his child to it no less, a large argument ensues. The yelling back and forth and the swearing is loud, each contributing equally to the argument.
The neighbors call the police and when they arrive Bob is lucky they find no marks on his wife. But even with no evidence of abuse Bob is told if he doesn’t leave they’ll arrest him for domestic violence as she is afraid of him. So Bob get’s an overnight bag and heads to a single buddies apartment, distraught and an emotional mess. Taking his buddies advice he calls the bank to find his checking account has a zero balance and half the savings are gone, leaving him about $40,000 (they were saving for a house). He finds the joint credit cards had been maxed out and he closes those accounts.
Bob contacts an attorney and gets an afternoon appointment with him. To his surprise, a process server finds him and he is then served with an order of protection and ordered to stay away from his wife, an order giving temporary custody to his wife, and a temporary child support order with the money to be deducted directly from his paycheck. He closes his savings account and puts that money into a checking account in his name only. The attorney requires a $5000 retainer to start his case and will get responding papers field within a couple of days.
A few weeks later Bob then made the mistake of thinking he could quietly watch his child’s school recital. He walked to the school and stayed off the grounds until the recital started, then ducked in the door and stood in the back. But a teacher recognized him and staff told him to leave, which he did without incident. But walking off the school grounds he was stopped and arrested for violating the order of protection. It was a night in the system before he was arraigned and made bail. It was a $2500 retainer to a criminal lawyer to fight that charge. He needs any help or support he can get.
Bob, like most, thought his treatment unique. He thought that he had somehow mistakenly been signaled out as a dangerous deadbeat and when given his day in court he would be able to rectify the situation. He was a good, hard working dad. It was his wife who had been unfaithful, and in spite of that he was not physically violent towards her in any way. Once he was in front of the judge and could explain the story they certainly would see the truth. He’s a fireman after all, a good father, and not a criminal.
I’m sure Bob took no solace in finding out that his treatment was the norm and not the exception. It is so common in fact I have put a templated “help” page on NY MAN so they are available when a father is first hit with the injustice. I warned Bob that the attorney’s, his included, would look to drag things out and he should file for divorce in Supreme Court to get it settled as fast as he could. I warned it might get worse before it gets better and that he should expect the system to drain all his assets and in the end order the “standard NY order” of visits of every other weekend and one or two mid week 4 hour visits and hopefully she doesn’t interfere or keep filing domestic violence claims as that would stop his access completely.
It is the irony of this broken and biased system designed to get “deadbeat dads” that it has morphed into a system which creates “deadbeat dads”. These so called “deadbeats” are actually committed fathers who are beat dead by relational and institutional violence which labels them dangerous, violent, drunk, abusive, drug addicts, and/or a deadbeat. The system drives them dead broke with extended litigation, costs, and “child support” which will leave them bankrupt then garnishes about 60% of their income for the next 18 years, the price to be a father. They are abused by a system which accepts false allegations as fact and punishes them for being physically present for their children. The system disenfranchises them as parents, reducing them to at best a visitor and at worst erasing them completely from their children’s lives, valued only for the money they pay into the system.
This is a system of omnipotent moral busybodies doling out oppression and injustice under the guise of “the best interest” of your child as they define it. It treats all fathers as guilty until they prove their innocence, a star chamber of “esquires”, robber barons, demanding ransom to be a visitor to your child. In the end it destroys your parental rights and replaces them with decisions by government bureaucrats, reducing “responsible fatherhood” to one who pays his child support into the system. Once the system reduces fathers to “non” (custodial) parents it will then lament that the children are in need “of father figures”, ignoring the fact it created the problem in the first place. Government breaks the family then blames dads. Being an upstanding member of society, serving society, and wearing a uniform is no protection from it.
I last heard from Bob in August that year. He had “settled” with his ex with “joint custody” her having primary physical possession, every other weekend and a Wednesday 4 hour visit for him which he was trying to fit it into his rotating schedule at work. His savings were gone and he was paying out about 50% of his gross income in support and bills ordered to pay. The need for a 2 bedroom apartment for his visits with his child was a strain but he was just getting by. The criminal charges were settled by him accepting an adjournment in contemplation of dismissal and a one year order of protection for his wife against him. He was afraid of another arrest (it would be a felony) but he kept 2 recording devices on himself at all times for any time he might be in proximity to his ex due to his being there for kid. It sucked but it was better than nothing. He hoped it would all calm down and he could be a father, as best he could given the circumstances.
He now knows he was set up by his ex wife who was using the system to her advantage but was coming to terms with her actions. But it was mostly the system he was angry at. How could he be held in high regard as a fireman one day and then treated like a common criminal the next? And for a year he fights with all he has to be a father and is treated like a dangerous deadbeat. Yet once it is settled he somehow once again returns to heroic good guy, a fireman. It is the person, not the uniform, which makes a man a role model, he stated. And I must agree.
I wish I could give you an update on “Bob” especially in light of events on September 11, 2001. But I can’t, I never heard from him again. It’s not uncommon for fathers to focus on the tasks at hand and prioritize work and time with children, especially non custodial visiting fathers taxed for time at both ends, work and kid. Often I would have contact with a father doing battle with the courts and not ever hear from him after the dust settled. I like to think Bob made it through the events that day unscathed. But I’ll never know.
What I do know is that 40% of U.S. children live absent their father. The vast majority are committed fathers who fight tooth and nail to be a part of their child’s life. It’s not the fathers fault, it’s the broken and biased system. I can only wonder how many firemen and policemen were treated like Bob and then ran into harms way to help another on that fateful day. From that day we started the war on terror, 17 years now of firemen, policemen, soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines, the vast majority men and many of them fathers, heroes, protectors of society and defenders of the weak. Sacrificing for a society that later persecutes them.
20 years of father and family advocacy shows me there are a lot of fire, police, and military fathers who sacrifice for our safety and freedom, only to be denied it at home. The system is tyrannical and unjust for any father and that’s wrong. But a system which collectively holds men responsible to sacrifice themselves for the benefit of society only to denigrate and destroy them individually is particularly tyrannical, oppressive, and cruel. It’s time we recognize boys and men for their value individually and what they bring to society and stop treating them as if they are only worthy of being cannon fodder then forgotten at home. We can start by treating fathers better, supporting fathers, heroes with or without a uniform.